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this last year

these last few months have been so fucking weird. some really good highs and a few lows that really hit me hard. my tafe course is going well, but i’m still not sure if it’s what i want to do, which scares me. i find myself searching for things to keep me interested in moving forward with my life. occasionally i’ll think of all the things i have to look forward to in the next few months, and it reminds me that there is a purpose.

yet i still can’t help but dwell on the past. i’m not sure where my mind is at at the moment. i can’t help but lapse back into old bad thoughts, and i go days where i just don’t enjoy anything, including taking it out on the people closest to me. i want to move out to take the strain off of my mum, but financially i don’t think i’m ready. i have more than enough money saved, but if it’s a long term thing, on top of paying for tafe fortnightly along with general living expenses, my savings would dwindle quickly. but i feel moving out may help me motivate myself to be a better person.

i often find myself putting my time into the wrong place/person. i know i shouldn’t be doing it, but i still do it, because i want more. i think i should be more afraid of attatchment than i am currently, as recently when it doesn’t work out, like always, it drains my mental state.

i met this one girl who shared a few similar interests. it took a good month or two to eventually realise how well we actually got along. too well, it turned out. it’s crushing when everything’s going fine, then bam, the next minute it’s all like “nah changed my mind. can’t do this anymore.”

what’s even worse is trying to remain friends. like after a month, they suddenly pop back into your inbox. i don’t know how to do it. this has happened with a couple people lately, one being more than 2 years distant. it’s like, where do you even start? i’ve completely forgotten what it was like to communicate with them. my lack of real friends probably highlights my inability to build friendships to start with, which probably doesn’t say much for my re-building skills. i’ve tried rebuilding a relationship once. that was fucked. even though i will never go back, i still see her every couple days at work, which sucks hard.

i’ve got lots to look forward to. skydiving next week. a new violent soho tour which i’ll hopefully get tickets for. my friend comes back from the snow, and i hope we’ll hang out heaps like old times. new seasons of tv shows too i guess, as lame as that sounds.

i think i’m better off alone. as much as it drives me insane at times, growing up an only child with no close friends, it’s normal for me. i just don’t see any point trying anymore. i’m wasting my time.

i never write shit like this. i just need a space to keep visualise my thoughts to keep them from bottling up inside and fucking me up.

p.s. don’t read this.